


hearts and wings

by fridgefish



Series: stupid deep [2]
Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Slow Burn, Summer, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 03:47:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19881106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fridgefish/pseuds/fridgefish
Summary: He’d already climbed into bed the following evening when he started getting the Snapchats. First, there was blurry selfie of Charlie looking extremely inebriated, and then a much longer video of the back of some guy dancing.His black shirt was tugged up around his chest, his lower back exposed and glistening with sweat. He was swaying his hips to the music, raising his drink when the chorus swelled. The guy turned around with a bright smile and a thanks.Anders realized with a start that it was Matt.





	hearts and wings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [delayofgame](https://archiveofourown.org/users/delayofgame/gifts).



> this is a continuation of "good at secrets" from anders' point of view! you can read this without having read the first part, but it'll make more sense if you do. 
> 
> this one is for my friend @delayofgame. I'm really glad to have you in my life!
> 
> the title is from "your wild years" by the menzingers 
> 
> I've been working on this fic since May and it's pretty special to me. I hope you enjoy it.

“You’re so hot,” she panted into Anders’ ear, while he rubbed a soft hand over the front of her dress.

“Mmhmm.” This girl (Mia?) was making out with him in the dark backyard of a house party, and she was very into everything that Anders was doing for her. He was tempted to take it further right there, but someone was bound to come out to smoke in a minute or two.

Mia groaned into another biting kiss before she pulled back and took Anders by the chin. “Let me feel you.” she said. There was an edge in her tone that wasn’t there when she was shyly blinking up through her eyelashes over a game of cards a few minutes ago. Her hands found the elastic band of Anders’ basketball shorts, but Anders was too quick for her. He seized her wrist and moved it back up towards his chest, rubbing her fingers across his collarbone.

“C’mon, I know you’re a-“ 

“It’s fine.” Anders whispered, cutting her off. He wrapped an arm around her and kissed her again, slow and sweet. She smelled like flowery perfume and like something else too- he couldn’t put a name to it. Her hair was long and fine. It kept getting caught up in his hands. 

He’d slipped his hand down the front of her sundress when his phone started to ring, startling him out of their embrace. He looked down to check- it was Jake. 

“I gotta take this.”

++++++++++

“I think he really likes me,” Jake said over the phone, practically out of breath. Anders had walked back to his car to take the call, because he knew it’d be about Charlie.

“That’s great, bud.” 

“Yeah and-” Jake paused. “Dude, tonight, we _kissed_.” 

Anders froze from where he was wiping lipstick off his face in the rearview mirror. “Really?”

“I mean. Not to kiss and tell, I guess. But dude. He’s such a good kisser, like-” he made a noise, at a loss for words. “I didn’t think we were ever gonna kiss, honestly, but finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and just asked and, man.” 

“Pretty good, huh?” God, whatever kind of lipstick this chick used was extremely stubborn. He might just have to have pink lips for the rest of the night. “Got that gooood lovin’ tonight, huh, Jakey-boy?”

“Shut up, dumbass, this is actually kinda big for me, okay.” 

Anders laughed. “You know I’m messing. For real, man, I’m happy for you guys. Just… uhh… yeah, I don’t have any advice.” Jake snorted at that, and then let out a long sigh of relief. Anders knew he must’ve been glad to get that off his chest. He got settled in his seat and cranked the car- he didn’t really feel like going back to rejoin the party. 

“Are you driving? What’s up?” Jake asked, his words laced with that slight edge of sympathetic concern that Anders so violently despised. 

“Yeah, I’m just leaving a party.”

“Oh. With… whatshisname? Evan?”

“Nah,” Anders said as he pulled out into the street, “other friends.” 

Jake took a moment, and Anders could easily predict his next series of questions. “You and Evan still together?” 

“Evan and I weren’t together.” 

“Okay, but you _did_ hang out and you had-”

“No, I’m not hanging out with Evan anymore. Just chill.” 

“I _am_ chill, you chill.”

Anders sighed heavily, put upon. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Come back to Boston.” Jake blurted out. “Just- come back for a while. It’ll be good for you, I think. We miss you. Just come visit.”

“I have class, I mean- I don’t know-”

“You can stay with Charlie. Or me. I dunno.” Jake faltered, and then tried his argument again from a different angle. “I mean, you’ve gotta come back here soon to start training anyway. At least, I would think you’d want to train in Boston this summer, right?”

“I mean… yeah. I’d planned on coming back at some point before training camp.” 

“Come this summer. After playoffs are over. You belong here with us, you need to get back with the guys.”

Anders’ phone vibrated, and he pulled it away from his ear to see he had a couple texts from Evan. He didn’t open them.

“Okay. After playoffs.”

++++++++++

He wasn’t proud of it, but Anders made his family leave the room after the end of the second period of game seven. He wasn’t sure if he was going to cry about it or not, so it was better safe than sorry.

After the puck dropped on the third, he stood in front of the TV, hands in his pockets as the minutes ticked down. He was silent until Matt scored. 

“Atta boy, Gryz,” he said under his breath as the score ticked from zero to one. 

Anders was motionless in front of the screen until the Bruins half heartedly raised their sticks, and then turned it off before Bettman could make his way onto the ice. 

Maybe there was a part of him deep down that didn’t want the Bruins to win without him. Maybe there was a part of him much closer to the surface that would’ve given up the rest of his career to see his friends lift the cup that night. But as the hours passed and he still couldn’t sleep, opening and closing Instagram for the thousandth time, there wasn’t anything but his sewed up shoulder and a few hot tears that he felt strangely embarrassed about. No trophy, no big party. No phone calls. No texts. Not from any Bruins, not from any friends. No nothing. Just time to sleep, and try to pick up the pieces in the morning.

++++++++++

He slept late, until nearly noon, and then decided to call Evan. Most of his other friends had already left for the summer, and it wasn’t like he could talk to anyone in Boston right now. He’d told himself not to call Evan anymore, but the idea of being at home alone all day was excruciating. Hopefully they could just hang out and he wouldn’t try and get too cozy. He just needed someone to be with, just for a while.

Evan’s little sister answered the door when he got over to his place, and Anders wanted to cry with relief. 

“Hey lil’ bit,” he said, picking her up and swinging her onto his hip, “What’s up?”

“Nooothin,” she said, burying her face into his collarbone before jerking it up. “Sorry! Forgot about your shoulder.”

Anders laughed, scruffing up her hair. “Oh yeah bud, you’re good; it’s a lot better now. And it’s my other shoulder anyway.”

“Ella?” Evan called. “Is- Oh, hey man!” He rounded the corner and saw Anders standing on the threshold with Ella still clinging to him. “Sorry about the... About your-”

“Yeah, I don’t want to talk about it,” Anders interrupted, bouncing Ella up and down on his hip. She grabbed for his necklace and pulled it towards her to inspect it. 

“Sorry that you lost the hockey game.” Ella finished for her brother, somber. She moved the cross pendant up and down the chain with a soft zipping sound- the only sound in the house for a moment.

Anders swallowed. “S’okay. Thanks.” He put Ella back down and she clung to his leg for a moment before Evan poked her with his socked foot and told her to go play somewhere else.

There was a moment where Anders stood still, just watching as Ella dashed away and then up to her room. Evan was waiting with his hands in his sweatpants pockets, his dark hair still damp from the shower. Waiting for Anders to come to him. 

He did, after a moment. It’d been a while, and he said so as he let himself be embraced. It was a good hug; Evan always gave good hugs. 

There was a rhythm to how they usually hung out- they’d walk to the kitchen, Evan would offer him a drink. Anders would ask for water, they’d talk. Evan would ask if he wanted to sit down, then he’d put on a movie. They’d end up cuddling on the couch or move to his room. It was the same every time.

He’d told himself that last time was the last time, that he wasn’t going to fool around with Evan anymore, but Ella was here which ensured some level of security. Or so he’d thought.

At some point after Anders had finally relaxed and was getting into the movie, Evan picked up Anders’ hand from where it rested on the couch and pressed it into the front of his shorts without preamble. He looked over at him with a put-on horny face and pushed his hips up. Then he laughed like he was joking, but he certainly didn’t feel like he was joking underneath Anders’ palm.

Anders laughed weakly and tried to pull his hand away. “C’mon, bro, Ella’s here-”

“She’s upstairs playing. We’ll hear if she starts to come down,” he said, voice high and breathy as he tightened his grip on his wrist, “just one more time. For old time’s sake.”

“No, not while Ella’s here, c’mon,” he flexed his fingers back to keep from cupping Evan through his shorts. “Let go of my hand.” 

“You’re about to leave me, though,” he whined, bringing his free hand to scratch softly at the nape of Anders’ neck. It felt nice, Evan knew that, but it wasn’t about to make him change his mind. “And who knows when you’ll be back, you know? You know you won’t be able to have this when you’re-”

This time Anders didn’t hold back when he yanked his arm away from Evan’s grasp, and ended up elbowing him in the gut. He didn’t apologize, though. He stumbled to his feet, nearly falling over the coffee table in the process. Evan was still doubled over on the couch. 

“Why do you overreact so much?” Evan whined, lifting his chin to meet Anders’ eyes. 

“I don’t!” Anders snapped, then took a breath. “I don’t.” 

“See, you do. You overreact about everything. They cleared you to play, so now you think you can leave me and go back and everything’s going to be just how it was.”

Anders was incredulous. “What are you talking about? What does this have to do with-”

“You don’t need to leave here. You’re not thinking,” Evan said. He was calm, but there was a fire behind his eyes. He reached forward and paused the movie. “You think you can go and be a star, but that’s not the truth and you know it. You’re gonna go back to Boston and they’re gonna let you rot in the minors.” Somehow Evan managed to keep the bite out of his tone.

Anders wanted to punch him. “Shut up.”

“No, you need to hear this,” Evan continued, voice soft. “You’re gonna get up there and it’s going to be way worse than last time. You think there’s gonna be people who will want to get with someone like you? You think the puck bunnies are gonna be okay with your little situation?”

“I don’t need to-” he started, shaking his head, but Evan was quick. 

“Oh, you don’t need it?” he said, eyebrows raised. “That’s cute. You’re desperate for it. You’ve got a string of people who don’t give a shit about you. They just want to fuck because you’ve got money and you’re an oddity to them. And you know that.” He leaned back into the couch, as if he could somehow relax after saying all of that. “I’m the only one who’s ever really cared.”

Anders’ stomach was in knots. He really wasn’t sure if he was going to laugh or cry or tear the whole place up. If Ella wasn’t upstairs within earshot- the choice would be easier. “You’ve never cared about me,” he said finally, trying to keep his voice down.

“You’re so messed up, you don’t even know what it looks like when someone really cares about you.” Evan was almost smug now, as if he’d accomplished what he’d set out to do. 

There wasn’t really any way to describe the way that made Anders feel.

“I’m gonna go,” he said, snatching up his keys and his hat. “Tell Ella I said bye.” 

Evan was yelling something at him as he walked out the front door, but he didn’t hear any of it. His heart was too loud in his ears.

++++++++++

The rest of the day went by in a foggy blur. He wanted to call Jake, but the more he thought about it, explaining that he got his feelings hurt after going to some guy’s house that he was supposed to have stopped messing with seemed really insignificant in comparison to game seven.

He started throwing some clothes in a cardboard box without much thought. He’d fly out as soon as he thought he could. 

Anders tried not to think about what Evan had said, but the words ran around in his mind. It was becoming harder and harder to separate what was truth and what was spite. He couldn’t even- it was true that he’d been with some people with a mutual understanding that there were no further romantic feelings involved, besides perhaps some general infatuation. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, right? 

The worst part of the whole thing was that he was pretty sure that Evan was telling the truth. 

About all of it.

++++++++++

He’d already climbed into bed the following evening when he started getting the Snapchats.

First there was a series from Charlie- a video that was about a second and a half long that Anders instantly replayed because _surely_ that was not who he thought it was- it looked like Brad wearing some ski goggles but it was difficult to tell from such a short clip. There were two more snaps after that, a blurry selfie of Charlie looking extremely inebriated and then a much longer video of the back of some guy dancing.

His black shirt was tugged up around his chest, his lower back exposed and glistening with sweat. He was swaying his hips to the music, raising his drink when the chorus swelled. As he danced, his shorts slid so that they were hanging low on his hips, so low that it really wasn’t decent. In the video the shot got closer as Charlie walked towards him and grabbed him by the back belt loop to pull the shorts back up. The guy turned around with a bright smile and a thanks.

It was Matt.

The video made his chest go tight. He had so many questions and knew that none of them would be answered right away considering the state of the three of them. He also really wished he hadn’t wasted his replay already. He sat up in bed and sent back a snap, an unfocused shot of half his face with his eyebrows raised. 

_wtf is going on?? lol_

He actually kinda really wanted Charlie to send another pic of Matt, but he mostly just wanted to know what the fuck was happening. He was pretty sure someone had removed him from the main group message more than a few weeks ago, so if this was a team affair he wouldn’t have known about it anyway. 

Another purple box popped up on his screen.

“Hey, Matt, tell Anders what the fuck is going on,” Charlie asked Matt, who was standing a touch too close to the camera with a wide grin.

“We’re having a party, baby!” he yelled over the thrumming music, and then put his hands to his face, laughing hysterically.

Anders smiled into his camera and it was genuine. 

_omg have fun boys. miss u a lot_

He sent an almost identical snap to Gryz, this time just his face with no caption. 

Charlie sent him another picture a few moments after, of Gryz looking at Anders’ face on his own phone with a huge grin. 

_he misses you more apparently_

Anders didn’t have time to reply before his phone lit up. Matt was calling him. 

“ANDERS!” he shouted over the noise. “Anders. Anders. Can you hear me, man?”

He laughed. This was kinda ridiculous. “Yeah, I can hear ya alright.”

“Listen. Listen,” Matt slurred, “you gotta come back to Boston alright? For next time, alright?”

“Okay bud,” Anders replied with what he hoped was a reassuring voice. He doesn’t bother to remind him that he’s going to be there before the end of the week. “Don’t worry. I’m gonna be back.”

“And when you come back, you gotta come see me first. Okay? When you get off the… when you get off the thing, you have to come see me first. You swear? Do you swear?”

Anders could hear Charlie laughing, telling Matt to shut the fuck up. 

If he thought his chest was tight before, it certainly was now. It was all so much- watching that game, seeing what happened. Knowing how he must’ve felt. Hearing him now. He’d missed him so much and didn’t even know it. 

“Okay, I swear. First thing, I’ll come and see you.” He was giggling as he said it, but it was true. It felt like an oath.

“Good.” Matt blurted. There was a lot of background noise, the DJ was transitioning to another song that was apparently a crowd-pleaser. Anders figured that maybe Matt thought he’d hung up, or maybe he’d gotten distracted. He could hear Brad’s distinct voice yell something unintelligible. Just when he was about to hang up, there was some scuffling on the other end of the line and then Matt was there again. 

“Anders,” he said, voice pleading. “Anders.” 

“What is it?” Anders replied sweetly, his tongue biting off what would’ve been a very inappropriate diminutive. 

Matt wasn’t shouting anymore, and it was hard to hear him over the commotion. “Will you come visit?”

“Jeez, Gryz, shut that shit up and let’s _drink!_ ” Charlie again.

Anders felt so fond of Matt in that moment. He hoped someone was going to take care of him tonight. “Yeah, I’ll be there before you know it.” 

“Okay. Everybody’s yelling at me, I gotta go.” With that, he hung up. 

There was a buzzing that remained in Anders’ right ear from the roar of the club over the phone, and the hum of the air conditioner, and that was it. Just him in his bed, with Matt’s voice replaying in his ear. Matt’s hips, his beard, with his back thick with muscles, and his smile burned against the back of his eyelids even after he turned out the light and laid down to try to sleep. He kept thinking about the way he said his name.

He dreamed that night that he was lost upstairs in a house he’d never been to before. He could hear Matt from the floor below, calling, but he could never find his way down.

“Anders,” he pleaded. “Anders!”

++++++++++

“I honestly can’t believe-“ Matt said through gasping laughter, “I honestly can’t believe it.”

Anders dropped his backpack on the floor of Matt’s apartment. “You made me swear, dude!” 

“Oh really?” Matt turned sheepish. “I was a little drunk.”

“You were super drunk.”

“Okay yeah I was super fucking drunk.” 

They stood there staring at each other with blank faces until Matt burst out into peals of laughter again and pulled Anders in for a hug. It’d been a while since he’d seen Matt. Come to think of it, December was probably the last time they’d even talked in person. He didn’t have much of a chance to say goodbye to anyone except Jake before he left- it was such a busy time of year, and besides that, he had no clue how long he was going to be out. Eight months was certainly more than he’d bargained for. 

Matt clung to him for longer than expected, until Anders realized it’d been a tough couple of weeks for him. 

“Hey Matt?”

“Yup.” He replied from Anders’ shoulder.

“Really digging the beard.” 

He pulled back with a grin. “Yeah? I’m thinking I’ll keep it.”

“Ya finally look like you’re older than my brother; it’s an improvement.” 

They hugged again, and then Matt ushered him into the living room and insisted he have something to drink. Anders watched with amusement as he flung open the refrigerator door and showed him his three options: orange juice, milk, and purple Powerade. 

Anders chose water.

“So catch me up on everything,” Matt said, leading him into his living room and plopping down on the couch. “How’s… classes?” 

“They’ve been good,” Anders said. He didn’t really feel like talking about Notre Dame right then, especially because it felt to him like Matt was just trying to be polite. “You know. Just keeping busy while I’m healing.”

Matt nodded sagely. “Good. Yeah, that’s good.”

“What about you?” Anders asked, thinking of the best way to phrase his next question. “You holding up okay after everything?”

He got a long sigh. “Well, guess you saw the whole thing. You watched the game right?”

“No, Matthew, Wheel of Fortune was on, so I watched that instead.”

“Okay, duh, you saw it.” He drummed his fingers against the arm of the couch. “So you saw how that went. And I’m guessing you saw some of the other aftermath as well.”

“Yup, did receive some Snaps. From Charlie, mostly. And the pictures Katrina posted, those were cute.” 

“Yep. Well.” 

Anders patted him on the knee, trying to break up the awkwardness that had somehow formed. “It’s tough, man, I get it.”

“Coming that close-“ Matt stopped himself. He took a moment, remembering. “Honestly maybe one of the worst feelings ever. If not the worst feeling ever. I don’t even know how to explain it, like, I’ll think I’m over it or whatever and then something will remind me and it hits me all over again. I’ve just got all these memories and things I can’t erase or go back and change, you know? Not much use in holding onto regrets, I guess. Still just… hurts.”

Anders nodded, not entirely trusting his voice and hating himself for it. 

“But at the same time… I don’t know. I’ve never been on a team like that. Never had teammates that I loved like that, ever. They loved me, they had my back. And you, too.” He winked, elbowing him in the side. “And you know what? There’s no telling if it’ll ever be like that again. But towards the end,” He shook his head. “Towards the end, I got a different perspective on everything. Because when it comes down to it, I would’ve rather lost with a team like that, than won with a shitty team. I know a lot of people would probably say I’m crazy for that, but it’s true.” 

He couldn’t look Matt in the eye. “I don’t think you’re crazy.” 

They sat there for a long moment, Matt re-living the loss for the thousandth time, Anders imagining it for the thousandth time.

“I guess you’re the missing piece.” Matt said, decidedly lighthearted again. 

“What can I say,” he shrugged, a smile catching the corner of his lips. “I’m thinking next year is our year.” 

They talked until it began to get dark, and Anders finally had to peel himself off of Matt’s very comfortable couch and head over to Charlie’s. Okay, so he still had four months left on the lease on a place in Providence, but it just didn’t feel right to go there and be by himself, still separated from everyone else. If he was going back to Boston, he wanted to be back in Boston proper. They’d decided he’d stay at Charlie’s place because usually Charlie went over to Jake’s if he was going to spend the night, and part of the time Jake would be in Edmonton anyway, so it just worked out better like this. 

Matt hung out a lot with Jake and sometimes Brandon when he was in town, and spent a lot of time with his brothers in the offseason, but Anders could tell that when he asked if he wanted to hang out more over the summer, it wasn’t an empty request. Before he left, Matt made him swear that he’d come back again and visit soon. Anders swore to him again, and he meant it just as much as he did when Matt was too drunk to even remember what he was asking.

++++++++++

Jake was at Charlie’s apartment when Anders showed up- he saw his car beside Charlie’s in the driveway and smiled to himself. He dragged his suitcase to the front, feeling a bit like an overly excited little kid going to a sleepover.

“Ayyyy!” Jake threw open the door. “ _Finally_!”

There were back-slapping hugs all around, and Jake kept cheering even after Charlie and Anders were pretty much over it. He just had his suitcase, so it was easy to go ahead and get moderately settled in the spare bedroom. Most of his other possessions would be shipped over later. The apartment was sparsely furnished, and the whole place felt as if Charlie just bought items as he needed them. Jake and Charlie finally released him from the barrage of hugs to let him go wash up in the bathroom, and were waiting for him in the living room when he came out.

“Kay, so what do you think? Five star accommodations or what?” Jake said, still obviously just excited to see him.

“This place fucks.” Anders said. “Thanks for letting me stay.” 

Charlie smiled. “C’mon, you kidding me? Anytime, dude.” 

It had already gotten pretty late. Anders realized he’d stayed and talked with Matt way longer than he’d intended. Charlie indicated that Jake was about to go back to his place, and luckily Anders had enough social skills to know that meant he should tell him goodbye and then go hide in his room so he wouldn’t have to watch them making out beside the front door. Jake promised they’d hang out first thing the next day. After everything, by the time he got in bed, he was asleep in minutes.

++++++++++

The next month flew by. Anders bounced around between hanging out with Charlie and Jake, going over to Matt’s place, and the gym. It felt so good to be back in Boston. The streets were full of memories, and they came flooding back to him as he walked through the city. Meeting back with his trainers made the dream of being back with the team that had seemed so distant close enough that he could touch it. He started to feel like himself again, and Jake tried to tell him in his own way that he noticed it, too.

“So-” he said around a mouthful of something he probably shouldn’t have been eating, “-you’re happy being back?” 

Anders nodded. “Yup. Feels good to be back in the routine, back in the cit-tay.”

“Well. You seem happy. You know. Got all the gang back together, it feels like.” Jake was gesturing with his hands, clearly trying to insinuate something. “It just sucked without you here.” 

“I’m sure you found some way to cope,” he laughed. “I mean. It sucked for me too, but I wasn’t just sitting at home, you know that. School and stuff was good.” 

“I worried about some of your friends over there.” 

Okay, there it was. Anders really wasn’t in the mood for a heart to heart with Jake; he was supposed to go over to Matt’s place for supper in just a few minutes.

“My friends were fine, man. I know you want to be my number one or whatever, but I don’t really know what I was supposed to do besides try to find some people to be with while I was over there, okay? And you don’t know any of them.” That came out a bit meaner than he wanted. He sighed. “It doesn’t even matter anymore. I’m here now, hopefully for a while.” 

“It’s not my fault I actually care about you, okay? That’s all I’m saying.” Jake looked at him in the eyes, face soft. “I hope we’re both here forever.” 

HIs words reminded him of Evan, what he’d said the last time he’d spoken to him. Even though he knew that Jake probably wouldn’t lie, it was still hard to believe him. He always managed to say what his heart’s intentions were in the simplest words, like it came to him easily. The desires of Anders’ heart were so deep and tucked inside, he often didn’t have words to express the way he felt. They seemed like things best unspoken. He could tell from the look on Jake’s face that he really did wish with all his heart that they could both stay in Boston forever, however unlikely that wish was.

“Me too.” Anders said. He meant it. “I-”

“Also, I definitely do want to be your number one, you’ve got that right.” Jake interrupted. “People don’t forget, bud. Now go before you’re late to Matt’s.”

++++++++++

Matt called Anders one night while he was on the couch with Jake, watching the new season of _Stranger Things_ while Charlie was in the kitchen leaning against the counter on his phone.

“Hey! What’re you up to?” He said, all in one breath.

“Just hanging with Jake, watching Netflix, what’s up with you?”

Matt paused. “Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go and play mini golf with me.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah? If you want, I mean.” 

Anders looked over to Jake, who’d heard the whole conversation. He nodded emphatically, and then started repeatedly punching him in the arm. “Uhhh… can Jake come too?”

“I guess?” Matt said weakly, then doubled back. “I mean, yeah, of course.” 

Anders had no idea why Matt would be hesitant about Jake tagging along, considering they hung out all the time, but the thought left his mind almost as soon as it came. 

“Okay, you gonna pick us up?”

“Be there in fifteen.” 

Anders grabbed his hat while Jake went to Charlie’s bathroom to run a brush through his hair that had been growing out all summer. 

Jake pressed a quick kiss to Charlie’s cheek on their way out the door, and Charlie rolled his eyes like it didn’t make him blush every time. 

“You want to come too?” Jake asked him.

Charlie turned his head from side to side, thinking. “Who’s all going?” 

“Just me, Anders, and Matt.” 

“Okay, I think I”ll just stay here tonight. You guys have fun.” 

And have fun is really what they did. Anders jumped into the passenger seat of Matt’s SUV with his phone in hand, ready to steal the aux cord.

“Let’s _gooooo_!” Jake screeched as he buckled himself in the backseat as if he’d been anticipating this outing for months.

Matt looked back at him, laughing, then turned to Anders with a dazzling smile. He was wearing a nice polo and navy shorts, for whatever reason. It looked like he’d even ironed his shirt, which was kinda fancy for mini golf, in Anders’ humble opinion. Come to think of it, he’d also fixed his hair and he looked really nice. Like, very handsome. The compliment almost rolled off his tongue, but he didn’t want to be weird or whatever. 

“You gonna DJ?” Matt asked, ripping him from his contemplations.

“You know it,” he managed to reply, jamming the cord into the bottom of his phone as Matt started driving. 

“You have really good playlists,” Matt said decisively. 

Anders was surprised. He liked making playlists, but he didn’t think anyone ever noticed them except his brother. “Thanks.” 

They got to the mini golf place without too much trouble, not counting when Jake rolled down his window and started trying to talk to people on the street, and Matt almost got his hair caught when he forcibly rolled it back up and threatened him with the child lock. It was a run-down looking place with a pirate theme, the holes all centered around a moderately large “shipwreck” that was covered in carved initials from years of defacing.

“This is a place of legend,” Matt said, clearly trying to lift the expectations of both Anders and Jake as he pulled into the mostly empty parking lot. “I used to come here all the time when I was a kid. It’s absolutely epic.”

Anders rubbed his hands together. “I’d better get ready then, because clearly you have an advantage here.”

They paid the entry fee at the front desk that was staffed by a very bored looking teen, and waited an inordinate amount of time while Jake stood elbow-deep in a barrel full of colorful golf balls, looking for the perfect one. “Having the right ball is really crucial to a good game,” he said, jogging to catch up after they’d gotten tired of waiting and started walking to the first hole. 

The actual holes were pretty standard for mini golf- most of them were seemingly impossible to make par. Anders was forced to go first every round, so there was no learning from the other’s mistakes (although there’s not much he could’ve learned from Jake’s style of play, anyway). He was honestly trying his best, but he’d already hit the ball into the artificial pond twice before they’d even gotten to the third hole. Matt was much more calculated, maneuvering around the fake plastic skulls and treasure chests with relative ease.

Jake- well. He was having a good time, at least. 

“Okay, Anders, you’re up,” Matt called as he lifted the hem of his shirt and leaned down to dab at some sweat on his forehead. Anders found himself watching, his face growing hot against his will. He set his bright pink ball down on the astroturf and eyeballed his target- he was aiming for a tunnel, and if he missed, he’d have to go around an extra long distance. He pulled back his putter, but Matt stopped him.

“C’mon, man, you gotta square yourself up here,” he said, stepping behind him and putting his hands on Anders’ hips. He angled them until he was satisfied, and Anders held his breath the entire time. He’d always been self-conscious about his hips, about the way they looked and about the way they undoubtedly felt underneath someone’s else’s hands. Matt had touched him so gently though, just positioning him like he was scared to even touch, not the proprietary grip he’d gotten recently used to. 

Now was not the time to think any further about this, because now he _had_ to make it through the tunnel. He did- and he made par on that hole, too. 

Matt beamed at him. “See! Just gotta square it up.” He went ahead to their next hole, and Jake trailed behind him, whipping his head around to make suggestive eyebrows at Anders. 

“Okay, you need to help me again, here,” Anders said towards Matt, eyeing the putting green, “This one is crazy.” He was pushing it, probably. He wanted to see if Matt would do it again, and he wasn’t sure why he wanted that so bad.

“I got you,” Matt was behind him in an instant, guiding his hips and then his shoulders to his liking. His fingers lingered on his biceps for a fraction of a second, and Anders could feel the ghost of his touch even after he’d already stepped back. “Okay, perfect. Go for it.” 

He made another pretty good shot, and ended up being closer to Matt score-wise than he’d anticipated. 

The final obstacle was simple, but almost nearly impossible- the hole was at the top of a steep hill. If you made a hole in one, the mini golf place would give you a free voucher to come back and play again. Anders gave it his best effort, but it was hopeless. He considered telling Matt that it was because he didn’t get him squared up, but he kept his mouth shut. 

Matt came close enough that all three of them screamed “Whoaaa!” loud enough that the one other couple at the mini golf course stopped their game to look over at them.

“Okay, watch and learn, boys,” Jake said, kneeling down on the turf.

“Jake, what the _fuck_ are you doing-” Matt began, but couldn’t finish his sentence because of how hard he was laughing. 

Jake had completely laid out on the ground, holding his putter like a pool cue. “This is what we call precision.” He pulled back with the air of a champion pool shark, and tapped the golf ball with the soft rubber end of his golf club. It rolled up the hill and dropped into the hole.

There was a moment of stunned silence before they all lost their minds. Anders started jumping up and down, grabbing Jake and shaking him by the shoulders as he stumbled to his feet. 

“Let’s gooooooo!” Jake screamed, “Let’s fucking go!”

They must’ve looked totally ridiculous, Anders thought in passing, the three of them screeching and jostling each other around like the strangest goal celebration he’d ever been apart of. Matt grabbed him up in a bear hug and lifted him off his feet while Jake started kissing his golf ball. 

“Dude, you gotta go get your certificate!” Matt gasped, suddenly remembering.

The same bored teen who took their entry fee money was the one who signed Jake’s free play certificate, and Anders could tell he was very pleased with himself as he tucked it into his wallet.

They walked back out to Matt’s car feeling triumphant, and Anders felt light. He wasn’t sure if there was something between him and Matt, or if he was just making it all up in his head, but-

“Alright, Jake, now you’ve just gotta find yourself a hot date to take to this fine establishment since you’ve got that coupon,” Matt teased. 

The words felt like ice water on the back of his neck. At first Anders thought that must’ve been some kind of joke. There were other teammates who knew about Jake and Charlie, and although it certainly wasn’t public knowledge, he would’ve thought that Jake was close enough friends with Matt to have told him. 

But one glance at Jake’s pinched eyebrows told him that Matt was being completely serious. 

All that time at BU together, and Charlie never talked to him about being gay? Maybe they weren’t as good of friends as they’d seemed? Or maybe Matt wasn’t cool with it somehow? But that didn’t make much sense, either.

“Anders, keep your eyes peeled for any hot dates,” Jake said with all the mirth gone from his voice. 

So that was the way it was. Anders settled into his seat for the quiet ride back home and willed himself to stop thinking about Matt’s smile.

“Hey,” Matt shook his shoulder. “You hear me? Dinner tomorrow still okay?”

“Yeah man,” Anders said, feeling his heart lift against his will. “See you at six?”

++++++++++

Finally, a weekend where no one was busy. There was probably some kind of holiday that none of them cared about that helped (Jake always insisted he didn’t know any American holidays at all, but Charlie would retort, _You know when the Fourth of July is!_ ”). Charlie somehow knew somebody with a nice pool who was out of town for a week or two, so he was determined to go and take full advantage of that. Right now it was Charlie, his sister Kayla, Jake, and Anders planning on going, but Anders went ahead and invited Matt, too. After the incident at the mini golf place, he wasn’t really sure exactly how good of friends Charlie and Matt were, but they were certainly friends. Like, they didn’t _hate_ each other. He’d seen them hang out on occasion. So it was probably fine. He was going to tell Charlie beforehand, but then he was at the gym with his trainer for most of the day, and then he completely forgot.

The thing about Anders was that sometimes he didn’t think things all the way through. So when he stood outside of the front yard of this bougie ass house to flag Matt down, he wasn’t really thinking about Charlie and Jake and his sister in the pool. And Matt walked in front of him, so as they entered the backyard, he had a full view of the two of them. 

Charlie was laid on his back on the smooth warm stones surrounding the pool with his legs in the water up to the knee. Jake was in the pool, resting his arms on Charlie’s thighs, and he was slowly lifting him up and down. Streams of water ran off Jake’s back as his chest went in and out of the pool. Charlie’s stomach flexed as he worked, and Jake was squeezing handfuls of his upper thigh underneath his trunks, making off-color comments about the whole thing. It made Charlie roll his eyes good naturedly as he insisted that he was just exercising. His sister was laughing hysterically as she looked on from her lounger, drinking hard lemonade and looking impossibly cool with her designer sunglasses. 

Anders had gotten pretty used to seeing Jake and Charlie fooling around like this, but he realized about 14 seconds too late that Matt hadn’t. 

Jake looked up and saw Matt, and promptly slipped from Charlie’s lap into the deep end of the pool.

“Hey, man,” Charlie said, way more relaxed than Anders anticipated. “I didn’t realize you were coming. Sweet, good to see you.” He stood up to give Matt a little hug. 

“Good to see you too.” Matt said, completely unperturbed at what he’d just witnessed. 

“Keeping the beard?” Charlie’s sister called out.

Matt nodded, bringing a hand up to his chin. “Thinking so. Do I get the seal of approval?”

“Yeah, looks nice!” 

“Thanks, Kay.”

Jake popped back up out of the water, taking a deep breath. He was down there for a good minute. “Hey Matt!” he said, as if he hadn’t literally just watched him walk in. Jake was such a bad actor. Anders tried not to physically cringe at this entire situation. “What’s up?”

“Just here for a swim,” he said cooly, and then took a few running steps and jumped into the pool, effectively soaking Charlie and Jake and breaking up the awkward tension that had formed.

Charlie sputtered, shaking his soaked hair out of his eyes, and then gave Anders an impish grin from underneath his bangs.

“Anders,” he began dangerously, and Anders knew he was in big-time trouble.

“Yes, Charles?” He started to run a moment too late- Charlie had already caught his arm and shoved him into the pool right after Matt. 

He hit the water at a slightly painful angle, and then as he sank he somehow got tangled up with Matt. They surfaced at about the same time, and when he opened his eyes, their faces were about an inch apart. 

“Hi there,” Matt said under his breath. 

Anders got caught up in the sparkling drops of water in his hair and his beard and a particularly dazzling one clinging to the tip of one of his long eyelashes. He glanced up to where Charlie had sat back down on the edge to talk to Jake. “Hi,” he whispered back. Surely Matt would say something. You don’t just look at people like that, like-

“I came out here to get some sun and be entertained,” Kayla announced. “So let’s see some chicken fights or something, c’mon,” she said.

This is how Anders ended up with all hundred and seventy pounds of Matt on his shoulders, his thighs bracketing his ears and his feet tucked behind his back. He had to thoroughly convince Matt that he was fine to carry him on his shoulders in the pool. 

Charlie and Jake made a pretty intimidating team. 

“Okay, bud, you good?” Anders called up to Matt. “We got any kind of strategy here?”

“Well,” Matt said, squeezing his thighs together just because he was a bastard and he knew it, “Charlie’s pretty sturdy, and Jake’s the craziest motherfucker I know, so looks like we’ve got some steep competition.” 

“Enough talk!” Jake shouted from on top of Charlie, beating his chest. “I’m ready.”

Charlie shuffled forward enough for Matt and Jake to lock hands, and he immediately tried to wrench Matt from Anders’ shoulders. 

“Woo!” Kayla cheered. “Let’s go, Matt!”

“Hey, wait a second,” Charlie protested, slightly garbled because of the water that kept splashing into his mouth. “I thought you were on my side.”

“I like to root for the underdog,” she winked.

Jake was able to wrench Matt off of his shoulders fairly quickly, sending Anders toppling over after him. They played again, and then had a rematch when Jake and Charlie won again. They were finally victorious the third time, and everyone was tired and soaked and had swallowed a lot of pool water by that point.

They hung out the whole afternoon, swimming some but mostly just floating and talking and drinking. It was nice to be able to relax with them. Anders felt a little warm just looking at all of them- everyone smiling and laughing. These were his best friends.

He got caught up talking to Matt after a while, eventually pulling himself out of the pool to sit next to him and start drying off. Anders hadn’t even realized it had gotten late until he saw Charlie and his sister and Jake packing up.

“We’re headed out to get some dinner,” Charlie said. “You guys can stay here and swim for however much longer, just be sure you lock the gate behind you when you leave.”

“Okay, thanks,” Matt answered. “See you guys later.”

++++++++++

They’d been gone a grand total of five minutes before curiosity clearly got the best of Matt.

“So… Jake and Charlie, huh?” he asked, like he’d finally worked up the nerve.

Anders really wasn’t sure how much he should say. But there wasn’t any use in denying it. “Yep.”

“How long has that been a thing?”

He hummed. “A little less than a year? I don’t know, maybe a little closer to six months? I’m not really sure when they made it official.” 

“Oh, okay,” Matt said. “I didn’t know Jake was…”

“Bi,” Anders finished for him. “And Charlie’s-”

“Yeah.” He seemed really unsurprised. Like, _really_ unsurprised. “You got any secret relationships I don’t know about?”

“What?!” Anders nearly choked. “I mean, no. I don’t.” He snuck a glace across his shoulder to see Matt just staring into the distance. “Do you?”

“Nope,” he answered cooly. “I haven’t dated anyone in a long time.”

Anders couldn’t exactly say ‘me either’, so he just nodded. “Who was the last… person you dated?”

Matt considered his question for a while, like he was deciding if he wanted to tell him or not. “Well. He and I dated while I was in school.” 

He let that pronoun sink in, and Anders controlled himself from completely bugging out. Matt liked guys. This whole fucking time, Matt liked guys! And he and Jake didn’t even know? He wondered if Charlie knew. 

He managed to nod slowly again, giving Matt the okay to continue. 

“There was a guy…” he kept his gaze at his feet, swishing through the water. “Well. It was a long time ago.” 

He took a moment, and Anders waited, palms digging into the fine grain concrete. He scooped up a handful of water and let a few drops fall on Matt’s bare knee.

“I feel like I did him wrong. I mean. It was in college and,” he stopped and took a shaky breath, then turned to look at Anders. “I’ve literally never told anyone this story before.” 

“Oh.” He wished for something better to say than that, but Matt continued before he could think.

“It was in college, and he was a couple years younger than me. One of my teammates, when I was captain. So I felt like I needed to take care of everything. And don’t get me wrong here, I loved him. I really did. But I was so scared of anyone finding him out, or finding _me_ out, that. I dunno. It wasn’t healthy. The way we were living.” 

It hurt Matt to tell this story, Anders could see it in his face.

“Like, if anything ever happened to him- if anyone ever found out, I mean, it would be my fault. But then it happened. One day my roommate walked in on us while we were both in my bed, and I tried to cover up for us, but it didn’t work. I guess it was pretty obvious what had been going on. After that, every time I saw him, I wanted to be with him but I just got so scared. Like, I would look at him and get scared. That’s how fucked up I was.” He swallowed. “So I mean, I don’t really know if Charlie ever knew- oh _shit_.”

It was Charlie. Of course it was Charlie. Everything made sense. “Oh my god, dude.” 

Matt’s whole body tensed up. “I didn’t mean to say. I didn’t mean to say it.” 

“Okay,” Anders put an arm around his shoulder and pulled him so that he’d lean into his side. Matt didn’t resist. “It’s okay, man. I’m glad that uh… That you can trust me. Because I trust you.” Matt relaxed into him and rested his head on his shoulder. “I already know about Charlie. I mean, I didn’t know about _you_ and Charlie. But Matt. You did your best, you know?” 

“It’s just that- I don’t know if he ever knew how much I really cared about him. And I mean, I’m way over him now, it’s been years. But the last time we even acknowledged that anything had happened was the day I had to move out of that apartment. Because of... you know,” He took Anders’ hand and laced their fingers together. “So if I ever get the chance again. I mean, if someone ever cares for me like that again, I would want to let them know that I cared for them too. I’d want to do better.” 

“I’m sure that you don’t have to worry about whether someone will care about you like that again,” Anders said softly. 

Matt just hummed, as he rubbed Anders’ hand with his thumb. 

“I think you can understand what it’s like to have to keep secrets like that.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Anders, I-” Matt stopped himself.

“What?” He was begging silently for Matt to say something, to bring to light something he felt that he couldn’t put into words. Not yet. 

Anders let him sit on it for a moment before hugging him tighter. He probably shouldn’t, you shouldn’t try to get cozy with a guy right after he tells you something like that, but Matt just leaned into him even more and closed his eyes, content. 

“I don’t know. Just thinking.” 

“Okay,” he whispered.

Matt swished his feet in the water, churning up some bubbles. It was nearly dark out. “What about you? Who’s the last person you dated?” 

Anders could feel his breath against his collarbone. 

May as well tell the truth, he thought. “His name was Evan,” he started, and didn’t miss the way Matt tensed against him for just a second. So he must’ve also had his suspicions confirmed.

“I saw him a lot when I was taking some classes this past semester. He was a lot of fun, a really funny dude.”

“That’s good,” Matt said without much emotion.

“Then I started to realize that maybe he wasn’t so great. Because he, uh.” he cleared his throat. “He wanted more than I was willing to give, I guess. And I wasn’t really doing super great at that time, after my surgery. So I don’t know. Anyway. That’s not a very good story, I guess.”

Matt squeezed his hand. “It’s okay. Doesn’t have to be.” 

It was so quiet out, and the night was approaching fast. The dim light made everything feel so much more intimate, more serious. A few fireflies started to blink around them.

Matt took a deep breath. “I want you to be happy,” he said so softly that Anders almost didn’t catch it.

“I am happy.” 

He lifted his head to look Anders in the eye, close enough that their noses brushed. 

They shared air for a few eternal seconds, a few endless moments. Anders was sure that his heart had stopped, and he was glad. If this was all he was going to get, he would swim in it for as long as he could. 

“Good.” Matt mouthed, and then stood up and grabbed his beach towel.

++++++++++

Matt had invited him over for dinner for the thousandth time, it felt like. He was a decent cook. They ate a lot of chicken and pasta and watermelon over the weeks, and it was something Anders always looked forward to. But today, the day after they’d spent the whole afternoon at the pool, he showed up to Matt’s place with a hot face and a pit in his stomach. It was starting to become more tortuous than anything, this terrible in-between. He wanted to be happy. He wanted Matt to be happy. He wanted to love him and be loved back as he was and stay in Boston forever and not rot in the minors. He wanted it all so much he could barely hold a conversation that night.

“What are we doing?” Anders asked, setting his fork down hard, whole body tense. 

Matt looked up from where he was scraping his plate into the trash. “What?”

“I asked you what we’re doing.” He pushed his chair back from the table and stood up. He felt hot all over.

“Like… tonight? Or you mean for the rest of the summer?” Matt asked, voice genuine, but Anders could see right through his eyes.

“Don’t do this to me anymore. I can’t do it.” He pulled off his hat and ran a hand through his hair. “Matt, please.” 

Matt’s face fell. He set his plate down and walked back to the table in silence. When he finally did speak, it was barely a whisper. “I don’t know if I can-”

“If you can what?” Anders snapped before he could finish, almost angry. He already knew what was coming. He’d had this conversation a million times before. He wanted to say that at least this time it was before sex, but Matt was so much more to him. And maybe he’d thought they could be something. 

“This is hard for me, I guess,” he finally sighed. “To really explain what I’m feeling.” 

Anders wished he had something to look at besides Matt’s forlorn face. “If this has something to do with me being trans, please go ahead and spit it out so we can get that over with.” 

“What?” Matt exclaimed. “Holy shit, no, Anders, whoa, that’s not what I’m talking about at all.” He covered his face with his hands. “Oh my god, I’m so stupid.” 

“Wait what?” Anders blurted, wishing he could double back. “No, you’re not stupid. Shit, I’m sorry. It’s just that-”

“No, it’s okay.” Matt interrupted. “Anders. You…” He shook his head. “You’re so -” 

Anders’ face softened. 

“You’re so important to me that I’m convinced I’m going to mess everything up, somehow. So I’ve wanted to say something, I guess, but I haven’t.” Matt said cautiously, waiting for Anders’ reaction. “‘Cause things were going so well, you know,” he joked weakly.

“What have you wanted to say?” Anders asked, trying desperately to stay neutral. 

“There’s a lot, really,” he shrugged. “But mainly I guess that I have feelings for you. That happened this summer. And I think you’re just… the best.” Matt’s face was scarlet. 

Anders felt like ten pounds were lifted from his chest. “I feel the same way.” 

“I just know you’re like… more experienced than me. I guess.” Matt said, not meeting his eyes. 

“I’m not.” Anders responded, too quick. 

Matt rolled his eyes. “C’mon, man, everyone always talks about how you have game. I mean, it’s just facts.” He lifted his chin, half a challenge for Anders to refute what he’s said. 

“That doesn’t make me more experienced, though.” 

Disappointment flashed across Matt’s face and Anders knew he needed to try again.

“I mean. Okay, maybe it does, a little. But someone wanting to fuck, or whatever, is not the same as someone caring about me.” He swallowed. “Honestly I’m not sure if that’s ever really happened. To me. And it’s not like I didn’t want the… I guess I have ‘game’ or whatever you call it. But... I don’t know.”

Matt grabbed Anders’ elbow like he thought he might run away. “You know this is not me asking if you want to sleep with me.”

“I know that.” 

“Do you?” Matt’s voice was more confident now. “Anders, I swear, if you don’t ever want to do that, I’m okay. It doesn’t make any difference to me.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. He reached up and put his hand on Matt’s cheek, smoothing over his cheekbone with his thumb. “Okay.” 

Matt put his hands on his waist, pulling him closer. “Okay.”

“Is okay gonna be our always?” Anders asked, leaning down so that he said it against Matt’s lips.

“Maybe,” Matt laughed meeting him for a kiss. “If you want.”

Anders let Matt kiss him again and again, swaying in his arms in the kitchen. 

“I like this,” Anders moved back and said, gently scratching through Matt’s beard. 

“Yeah?” Matt kissed his cheek, his mouth, the tip of his nose. “I’m thinking I’m gonna keep it.” 

Anders rolled his eyes. “I meant this,” he said, moving his hands to the back of Matt’s neck and bringing their lips together again.

“That’s what I meant, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> HUGE ENDLESS THANKS to my betas, blindbatalex and cjmasim.
> 
> This literally would not exist if were not for @cjmasim.
> 
> thank you so much for reading, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr [@fridgefishwrites](https://fridgefishwrites.tumblr.com)


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